John Oliver
John Cornelius Oliver is half of the superhuman duo (which also includes Andy Zaltzman) that is responsible for The Bugle, (default source of news worldwide). Oliver moved to New York city in the United States in 2006, and is therefore well placed to bring the news from the western side of the Atlantic to the Bugle. Education and Training (Please note that for the sake of this article, at least, Oliver’s career started October of 2007 with the release of the first issue of the Bugle, and consequently all activities previous to this date are considered under the category of Education and Training) *Attended Cambridge University in the subject of the English as a Second Language. His mother tongue is Scouse, which is the language spoken by the distinctive species of ruminant found only in the Mersey Estuary region. (Luckily for Oliver he is British, and therefore everything he says is by definition correct English). *Vice-President of the Cambridge Footlights 1997-1998. *A variety of television and radio programs on various BBC outlets; notably and the Department with his fellow Bugle birther Andy Zaltzman. *Appeared in an episode of Green Wing, as a car salesman. *Prominent member of the National Youth Theatre. *Appeared in several episodes of "Mock the Week" on BBC2, until he was banned for having a beard. Career *Another Andy Zaltzman collaboration for BBC radio 4, Political Animal. *Writer and Correspondent for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (2006-present). *The Lover Guru 2008, playing character of Dick Pants (a role for which he apparently has been damned to the second ring of Hell for a millennia) *John Oliver: Terrifying Times, Comedy Special for Comedy Central 2008, with guest appearance Professor Andy Zaltzman. *It is believed that the movie Boogie Nights is based on John Oliver's early life * He was a founding member of ZZ Top but was kicked out of the band before their abduction by Somali Pirates. * He was the Canoe Man and brought enlightenment to billions as he revealed that death is simply a move to Panama to advertise flats, where you will be reunited with your wife/husband (delete as (in)appropriate depending on personal choice/orientation/mood/age/sex/smell/height/inclination to delete (like a Cyberman)) Controversial Stances Despite living in his own special world for some time, and thus losing some of his British cultural identity, Oliver retains that stereotypical British stinginess, evidently more so than the near-South African emigrant and unequivocal “bad-Jew” Andy Zaltzman. As such he has not immediately embraced pioneering sections of the Bugle upon their introduction. Notable instances of this are The Audio Cryptic Crossword, and (initially) the Hotties From History sections. Possibly underling his acculturation to American society however, he has not had similar reservations to the Ask An American section. Probable Lies and/or Implausibly True Facts * John Oliver has the ability to fly, albeit in one direction and with the help of a dirigible. * John's sexual orientation has been the BIGGEST point of controversy among fans. The question has torn apart families and caused civil wars. *John Oliver was once sighted leaving the Bresnan Arena at the Minnesota State University Mankato where he was temporarily crowned homecoming king. Shortly before leaving the stage he was heard commenting, "If any of us shall ever cross paths again, it would be like Vietnam Vets meeting, 'Were you there? I was there!'" * John's favorite drink is Shirley Temple. Not the cherry syrup infused lemon-lime drink, the actual Shirley Temple. * John created... the ellipsis... * The Bin-Impala Confederacy has named John as one of the people they need to capture as they need secretaries because their spelling is terrible since they only have wheels/hooves. * John was once a member of the French Foreign Legion where he toured Sierra Leone. During his time there, he pimp-slapped a lion about to kill Ignatius Impala, thereby earning the impala's eternal respect. This later caused the Impala Armed Forces to offer John neutrality in their war against Andy Zaltzman. * John is last rumoured to have been seen in Sri Lanka helping save the endangered Tamil Tigers. * John is taller than the nearest other John standing next to him right now, but shorter than the farthest John away from him. * John was once seen walking on top of a local swimming pool in Liverpool. However, later investigation has revealed that, in fact, it was not a swimming pool but rather a pit of fire. * John made the earth in five days. On the first day, he made football (the proper kind, i.e. "soccer"). The next three days, as stated in John's own journal, are "...occupied in general rumpus and hogwash including that very formation and institutionalization of the classes of creatures and flora that doth encompass the ever expanding roster of this hellhole i have deemed to call 'Earth.'" The fifth day, however, was spent creating a chum for John to play chess with... Enter Andy Zaltzman. However, upon further investigation by the "Newly Erected World Inspector" who was known as God, it was found not to be good and scrapped. God did, fortunately, allow John to keep Andy. * While it is rumored that John's birthmother was Ling Ling the panda, forensic tests have not proven this to be true because of the high concentrations of pure and utter manliness that courses throughout his body thereby skewing the results. * When on tour with his band "The Olivers," John was given the key to every city in Western Europe. *John, along with rhino horn and tiger penis, is one of the most sought after aphrodisiacs in the eastern world. * John was named King of Sarcasm in 2006. He kicked off his reign by banishing John McCain from the kingdom for improper use of the official language. *Friend and foe in equal measure of Sigourney Weaver, John has been named as one of the contributing factors in Sigourney's move to England and shortly there after stealing Andy's Bin. *Recently at a stand-up gig in Minnesota, John Oliver was heard commenting on the fact that while interviewing Bill Clinton he was overcome with an urge to drop to his knees. He then commented that he imagined that he would be quite adept at pleasing the former--or in fact ANY--president and would rub his belly to make him feel good and to calm him down. * After joining the National Stamp Collecting Society in Belgium, he was appointed Warden of the Stamp Collection and thus is entitled to four new stamps and a box of stamp-shaped chocolate every year. * John Oliver is a descendant of John Morrison Oliver (1828–1872), USA Civil War Union Brigadier General, whose hideously bloated corpse was photographed by the famous Civil War battlefield photographer, Matthew Brady. The only plausible explanation for Oliver's success in America is that Civil War reenactors control the media and so his distinguished lineage has opened doors for him that otherwise would have been closed to someone with his level of talent. See Also Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page for further ambiguous facts regarding Mr. Oliver Category:People